Friday, August 27, 2010

AT LEAST I'M ALIVE...REALLY????????


WELL, I DON'T LIKE WHINING ON MY JOURNAL BUT SOMETIMES YOU'VE JUST GOT TO VENT. 2010 AS A YEAR HAS SUCKED AND IS NOT GETTING ANY BETTER.

Let's review--time in Haiti...found out husband who I thought of as my prince harming was fucking someone who was once my best friend--since the beginning of our marriage for twenty years.. He says he ended it while I was in Chili but she still calls his cell and emails him.

House flooded 8 feet of water we were raised six feet so two feet in the house--black sewage water so everything touched was lost...my great grandmother dining room set hand made 200 years no screws.--table chair buffet and china cabinet ,a 100 year old roll top desk. and so on and so forth and I had $100,000 ACV insurance for fire or theft and nothing for flood. Being on 100 year flood plane and not flooding in 200 years and controlled now by a dam I felt confident. how could I know they screwed up so four feet of water swept over the dam and they had to open the gates and release five more to prevent the dam from cracking. ANYWAY

Water down we go in, I fell through the dining room floor an break three disks--I've three more new titanium decorating my spine. Rehab is slow...my daughter's helps a lot.

My hubby got us an apartment with F.E.M.A.'S help that id very nice. He used the money from my and Lauren's vehicles to buy furniture. F.E.M.A gave us a grant of $6400 to replace $000,000 of furniture.

While ripping out the floors the contractor found--wait for it----termites still eating to support beams. Even a flood didn't drown the little bastards they are still eating or were before the contractor had them treated.

LET ME NOTE HERE THAT I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION WE HAD TERMITE PROTECTION AND COVERAGE FROM ORKIN, BUT HE QUIT PAYING IT 12 YEARS AGO AND NEVER TOLD ME. I never saw swarms so it is back enough that the main support beam is mostly gone and many of the joists. On a 9000 square foot house that is going to have to be jacked up and new beams put in--well insurance doesn't cover it and the contractor hasn't given us a figure to replace. FUCK.

Personally I sit, unable to walk on my own and am trapped. I refused to go back to the marriage counselor after she put the blame on me for my husband's affair--I should give him whatever he needs whether I enjoy it or not. Basically I told her to go fuck herself. I sometimes sit in the living room with him beside me and I feel the hatred building inside me. I've never hated anyone before, now I have two. Not that he isn't charming at times, but he can be a bastard too. Separated bedrooms and I lock my door at night. My friends and family all tell me he loves me and I should forgive and forget, but how do you forget s 20 year betrayal.

I am depressed taking Cymbalta and Clonzepam. Have Rehab three times a week. Home health nurse once a week. Filed for SS disability--was approved. Will start getting a check in November. $1200 a month. I used to make that or more a week. **sigh**

MADE ME SEE A PSYCHIATRIST. HE SAID WITH MOST NURSES LIKE ME THE CAREGIVER IS NOW HAVING TO BE CARED FOR LED TO LOT OF SUICIDES. Well I admit I have made several plans to do it but it is the cowards way out and I tell myself things happen for a reason. Maybe I should try to fix my marriage and I would never do that to my daughter.

They did just finish putting a new roof on my house. A lighter color to reflect light. Very nice.

You have all been very supportive and understanding. I thank you for that. Love to you all and peace in you life.

This too will pass, I'm told. BREATHE.

They saved many of my DVDs but many were lost. My sexiest VINCENT movies are lost maybe not to be replaced. NAKED TANGO, HOTEL PARADISE AND DESIRE the others I found on Amazon. The biggest problem being they're European made and I had someone bootleg them for me that is no longer possible. You wonder why I am depressed.

BARBRA

And Val thanks for writing me, I just wasn't where I could internet privately, then it was so long and I just could not muster up the energy to write anyone.

7 comments:

JoJo said...

Oh man, I am devastated to read what's been going on in your life this year. Words cannot express how very sorry I am and wish I could help you. What a craptastic year. :( Your house is 9,000 square feet? That's pretty big...I can't even imagine how much this is gonna cost you guys. And now you've injured your back and are trapped. (((hugs))) You are an incredibly strong person. Don't hesitate to lean on us. We're here for you.

XOXOXOXOXO

Ruby said...

Oh, poor Basric! What a horrible year you've had, and after ALL you gave to so many people in need! Sometimes life just isn't fair. However, I may be able to help you out with Salt on Our Skin. Please let me know; I'll do what I can. We are all here for you.

Diane said...

Happy you're still with us, and I guess, like they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger in the end. Take care dear. So happy to hear from you!

Frances said...

Its great to have you back on the net, Basric.

I'm sorry to hear of all your bad news but you're a strong woman. Tiny steps are the way back to recovery and a stable life.

ann said...

(((((((basric)))))))

I am so sorry to read your terrible news. i wish i could find adequate words of comfort - it reads like a work of horror fiction, yet it's all true because you're living it and telling the tale

i'm sure i don't need to tell you your first priority is your health - get yourself well phyically and mentally (that marriage counsellor needs shooting) then think seriously where you want to be with your husband but don't fix your marriage for your daughter's sake - you have to do what is right for you


do try to be philosophical about the material losses - they were things - irreplaceable i know, but still just things

it is baby steps all the way - one day at a time and i pray each day you get stronger and stronger

i've always believed there is a purpose to everything - sometimes it eludes me

val said...

Barbra, I was just very worried - and obviously there was good reason to be. It's just gutting that someone who's done so much for others then suffers so much herself and can't get any help back.

Someone out there will have downloads of Vincent movies you can make on a computer. Maybe that's one thing you don't have to lose.

As for the husband - not to mention the counsellor - words fail me. I'm glad you told her to go fuck herself. She's an honorary man. You can't make yourself love him again, you should not subjugate your needs to his. He's a hypocrite, and personally I wouldn't be able to stay in the same room as him.

Music Wench said...

Oh I'm so sorry for all the crap you had to put up with this year.

I am also glad you told that counselor to fuck off. She's an incompetent, IMO.

Glad to see you at least managed to get around to visiting blogs. Hope to see you more here. Venting is good sometimes. Feel free to do so. As JoJo said, we're here for you.

Hope things get better for you soon. I'd say you deserve a LOT of good luck for all the good you've done for others and because you've had more than your share of crap dumped on you.